Why I love big gross man hankys

I’m on my second dreadful cold since late December, which maybe isn’t so bad, but I don’t normally get sick often and I’m a big whiner. Besides, this one came with aches and fever and chills for an afternoon, and that was not my favorite so I feel I am allowed to complain.

Anyway, as I was blowing my nose into my big ol’ gross man hanky this morning I thought about how much better they are than Kleenex (and in this case it actually is Kleenex because for some reason Costco had a lower price on them).

And I just had to share. You’re welcome. Don’t worry, I didn’t include any pictures.

1. I can fill a Kleenex in one go, and sometimes my effort is so mighty the tissue ruptures and then I have snot everywhere. This is just as gross as the baby poop that has been exploding daily around here. Nursing baby poop is not all that gross; I rank it on the same level as snot. Point is, I have enough gross in my life. I don’t need more.

2. I hate having to find a Kleenex when I need to blow my nose. Then when I’m done I need to find a trash can. Or at least I would if I were a good human being. As I’m a sinner, more often I have to come back later and pick up my disgusting mess of dried snot paper. This behavior is not considerate of my poor family. If your Kleenex habit causes you to sin, cut it off, for it’s better to go through life without Kleenex than to spend an eternity in hell. That may be paraphrased a bit from Matthew’s version, but you get the gist.

3. Kleenex make my nose chapped much faster than the nice soft cotton hankys. It doesn’t matter how much aloe and lotion and magic they infuse into them, even if I were not too cheap to buy the fancy kind of Kleenex, they don’t help. My nose gets chapped with any variety.

4. Assuming I actually put the Kleenex into the garbage, they fill it up instantly, then I have to take it out. And that is not something I want to do more than once a week. Heck, I don’t even want to do it once a week, but somebody has to. And that somebody tends to be me because Ken doesn’t remember, Anna can’t walk, and the animals are completely useless for everything with the possible exception of rodent control.

5. They’re cheap. A box of Kleenex costs $2.89 at Costco. Six handkerchiefs from Target cost $4.99. A box of Kleenex will last through maybe one cold. Six handkerchiefs will last FOR ETERNITY. For reals. Some of the ones I have I didn’t even buy – I think I either stole them from my parents or from one of my deceased grandparents. How’s that for an inheritance?

Maybe it’s a little gross to carry a piece of fabric full of snot, but I think the benefits far outweigh this one downside. And thanks to the wonders of the modern (or 20+ years old if you’re me) washing machine, it’s super easy to make them good as new. Besides, if I make my daughter’s precious bottom hang out in reusable cloth diapers, my nose shouldn’t feel that it’s entitled to better things. But my experience so far with cloth diapers is a post for another day.

I feel like I should include some statement about the beautiful, dainty handkerchiefs with the handmade lace and crocheted edges and embroidered flowers carried by the ladies of my grandmother’s generation in their pocketbooks (while sitting on their davenports and making an incomprehensible distinction between dinner and supper). They’re beautiful. My grandma would give me hers in church to play with right after she gave me a piece of hard candy to suck on and I loved it. However, I’ve also inherited a few of them and they just do not get the snot removal job done. But perhaps I’ll start keeping one in my purse to give small children during church. They will proceed to look at me like I’m an alien with three heads and demand my smart phone. Kids these days are not the morons we used to be, to be entertained by a mere thirty six square inches of cloth.


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February 2016
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