The Authoritative Guide to Labor: Birth Instructions For Women, About Women, by a Man

Ken got so much good feedback on his last post that it has gone to his head and he’s written another. This might be getting out of hand. Here he is again:

Traditionally, a woman might write a guide to labor, but we now live in a modern world and as you know, both men and women are the same and equal, etc. and can do whatever they set their mind to. (Or whatever to which they set their mind, but I digress.) Additionally, I have just been present a the birth of my own daughter, so I am an expert. As such, I have undertaken the writing of –

The Authoritative Guide to Labor: Birth Instructions For Women, About Women, by a Man

First, some key terms.

Pregnancy:
Pregnancy is the process of making a baby inside the body. It’s a lot like being fat, but at the end you get a baby, not a divorce.

Due Date:
Your due date is very important. You can use the internet to figure out when it will be. It is defined as some amount of time (probably 9 months, that seems like a number I heard somewhere) from when something happened and a baby was probably conceived. I don’t care to discuss the gory details (also, I don’t know what they are, but again, Google is your friend), but suffice it to say, this is a very important thing to know. As the name suggests, this is THE date your baby WILL arrive. The whole upbringing of your child is dependent on it, so do the math right!

Labor:
This is a very important political party. Haha, no, it’s not of course. This is the process where a baby is all like “forget this, I am bouncing out!” Side note, if a baby bounces out, it could be injured and therefore this is not a recommended delivery method. “Labor,” of course, comes from the french “labour,” which means “trouble, toil.” (See, I can use Google when it suits my needs) To this day no one understands why we started using the term “labor” for the period leading up to a baby’s arrival.

Partner:
Partner is short for “life partner” and is the person who will support you through some of your pregnancy until he gets wise and leaves you. In the old days people had husbands, but that’s not popular anymore, so we have partners instead, even if only briefly.

Delivery:
During labor, this is where the husband (or partner if he is still around) orders food and someone else cooks it and drives it to him, so he can eat without moving from his current location. Perhaps he is in a bar. This often coincides with a baby coming out of the woman, so that’s where it gets the name.

Now, let’s look at the labor process.

On your due date (assuming you haven’t somehow knackered the math up), at the stroke of midnight, contractions WILL begin. It is important that you do not disturb your husband when they first start. They are not too bad, and you shouldn’t bother him because he needs to sleep. You might consider tackling a “labor project” during this time. Something small but meaningful to occupy the time, perhaps rebuilding a smallblock Chevy or plowing your arable land. You do have arable land, right?! Sometime, roughly three to four hours later, you might consider rousing him because it will be his job to drive you to some place else to give birth. You don’t want to give birth in your own home because it can be messy, and if you go elsewhere, you don’t have to clean up.

Once you have driven to some other place, don’t get too excited – things aren’t over yet. At this point you are in active labor, so it’s important to stay active. Some women may walk or even dance, but the most effective way to stay active in this stage is CrossFit. You already look ridiculous, after all, so CrossFit just adds to the general appearance you are trying to convey.

Eventually, the contractions will become too painful to stay active, so you will want to start thinking about what position and where to give birth. This is called transition, because it is where you transition from loving, or at least tolerating your partner or husband, to hating him with a passion. Hospital births are often done flat on your back with your feet in stirrups. This means your fighting gravity and are stationary, so if you want to use stirrups, a more effective position is riding a bull. A method many women find to be more comfortable is a water birth – birthing in a bath of warm water. But why stop there? Fill it up with something more fun, perhaps beer (the Brits like warm beer, how bad could it be?) or maybe even Velveeta.

After between precisely 8:30 and 9 hours (8:40 for our baby, very respectable), the baby will come out. If for some reason it doesn’t, it’s likely you are just fat and have food poisoning simultaneously. This may be a good time to have a serious, but difficult discussion with your partner, assuming he is still around. Babies almost never take longer than 9 hours to come out after labor starts, and often are much quicker. (see television, et al.)

So, assuming everyone did the math right and there really was a baby growing in there, you now have your very own baby. This is quite delightful and precious, I’m sure, but it’s important not to forget about the important things in life. You will probably be thinking about going back to work, however you can probably wait until tomorrow – modern employers are very understanding of allowing you a full day of maternity leave. And of course, you now have a child, which is a wonderful hobby, but your husbands needs (let’s be honest, at this point only a “husband” is still in the picture. “Partners” are long since history) also need to be met. It’s important that he also be able to pursue his hobbies whether that be classic cars, collecting firearms, or some other such noble pursuit.

And that’s about all there is to having a baby. Good luck, and Godspeed.

-Ken

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